words in the notebook

And when I came in with tears in my eyes, you always knew whether I needed you to hold me or just let me be. I don't know how you knew, but you did, and you made it easier for me.

You are the answer to every prayer I’ve offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper … and I don’t know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have.

I know there could never have been another. I knew it then and I know it now.

day 96

How do you feel when someone close to you disagrees with you?

Who breaks the thread, the one who pulls, the one who holds on? - James Richardson, poet, professor (b. 1950)

day 95

Do you have any daily rituals? What are they?

crisis of faith, crisis of love

I have not written for a while and you might wonder what happened. To write it down and to say it out loud is acknowledging what is happening. To recognize it by putting down my thoughts and confiding is like saying, yes, what’s going on is true. How do I face a personal crisis? A crisis of faith, a crisis of love.

…I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next. "

Am I ok? No definitely not in a long way. I’m like a fizzy drink that’s all gone flat. My heart as I know it is aching and to just be OK is but a tremendous task. I am trying, day by day, living life at this very moment and just existing.

If I push too hard it's because I want things to be better, I want us to be better, I want you to be better. Sure I make waves you have I mean you to have. And I'll keep making them till your everything you should be and will be. You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or to love you as much… Katie Morosky Gardner – The Way We Were

Did I push too hard? Yes, every inch of the way, every second, every day. I thought I was right but nobody is always right. I was too busy pushing that I scarce noticed him pulling away. When did our goals take different paths? We still have the same aspirations, but the roads we take, the decisions we make, it’s a big, big quagmire. Like what do you say, what do you do when the only love you know is like a ship sailing away in the distance? Well you jump into the sea and you do not care if you drown or die. Because when you have all your eggs in one basket, you do your damn best to save whatever you have.

I’m like at the threshold of either being Susannah or Isabelle 2 (characters in Legends of the Fall) and I do not want to be Susannah, but it’s really hard not to fall into her shoes. And what’s stopping me from being Susannah? Hope. That’s all I have and 5 little pills that I take each month. So I beckon to him to give hope a chance, and I wave from a distance with my arms outstretched and my 5 little pills.

…Little one you make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for. Your existence eludes me still…

I think a lot how life is so unfair. Why does it give you what you don’t want and not give you a glimmer of hope on what you yearn for the most? But then again, people say, be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it. So for now I’m a player in the Trying Game.

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. -Kahlil Gibran